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Ally

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A lot has been going on in my life lately...

Work is crazy, I've been officially promoted to assistant manager and I got a $2 an hour raise and I'm on the bonus program as of now... I'm pretty pleased with this, in spite of the increase in my workload. It means that I may be able to make it to Burn this year. Not for the whole thing, but at least 4 or 5 days. And, I mean, last year I was only there for 4 days and a night anyway so as long as nobody ends up in the hospital again I'll get about the same amount of time there. My brother wants to help me save up money to go, even though I don't really think he can... But, nonetheless I'm really excited.

In terms of my medical insurance, I officially am no longer covered as today and my dad says that kaiser is gonna cost like $800 through COBRA so that's not gonna happen. That means that the little trip I got to take to the ER last night is gonna cost me. A lot. I was off my meds for over a week and getting back on them landed me being sedated in the ER. Ugh. But I'm not stopping taking them. My withdrawal symptoms suck.

Also, Ricardo and I broke up. I don't want to go too into detail about it, just suffice it to say that it was mutual, and we're both kind of hurting but it's for the best in the long run.

SO... FUCKING CRAZY LIFE, EH?
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There is the slightest of possibilities that we may move to New York. Not too soon, obviously, but in the not-too-incredibly-distant future. I'm scared, but excited... that is all.
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I am exhausted and the hard work hasn't even really started yet.

Got Tanner's chef coat last night so I can start working in the kitchen AND I made my first week of schedules by myself. I am so proud.

Having bizarre dreams again, but they're all so... realistic at the same time.

One quick note about mental health stuffs: yesterday was the first day in a very long time that I saw myself in the mirror and thought I looked pretty. The best part? I didn't have any makeup on. I rocked the au naturale look all day because of that.

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(Giving myself a longer timeframe because one day is hard. If I end up doing something equally productive but not on my list, I end up feeling shitty about not completing the list.)

- Clean out the fridge
- Move the boxes in the living room
- Keep track of physical/emotional changes on the new meds
- Finish cleaning my space in the living room
- Move the bed
- Put in request offs for future appointment dates
- Sit down and do my finances
- Clean out Zoe (before we go to Ikea)
- Level my paladin (and my priest if I have extra time)
- Make a list for Ikea, go and don't overspend (Ikea cancelled)
- come up with a financial plan

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Things to seriously do today:

- Laundry
- Finish cleaning my area
- Move the boxes upstairs
- Call Caroline
- Dishes
- Level my priest

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Today is a downish day. Definitely not anywhere near as bad as it would have been before, but I had trouble getting out of bed all the same.

Today's to do list:

- take meds
- clean my area (for real this time) **Not completed, but I got an honest to god start and that's something.
- financial plan
- long shower with new shampoo and face wash
- put on makeup before work
- work
- have fun at work
- work on Albie's training schedule

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I am very much ready to start over someplace far away. At first I thought it was one of those crazy impulses, but it dug itself deep into my brain and has been growing ever since. I keep wondering what New York is like... I've never in my life had the urge to live there and suddenly I find my thoughts drifting off to the Culinary Institute there. It's a strange feeling that I just can't seem to shake; but I have so much to keep me here, although I keep wondering if it's really worth anchoring me to this place. What's to keep us from up and moving away? My job? The house? My mom? Friends? I just don't know anymore... I mean, obviously this wouldn't happen any time soon. But I do think about it a lot... Maybe it's something I should seriously consider.
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Today I will:

XXX find out why the hell I'm still sick

-clean my space in the living room

XXX clean out the fridge **(Has to wait 'til tomorrow because rthwe garbage can is too full and tomorrow is trash day)**

XXX talk to my psychiatrist about Wellbutrin

-move the bed out from under the ceiling leak

XXX level my paladin (will do tomorrow while ricardo is at work)

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I have a therapy appointment at 4 today. I still don't know how I feel about my therapist. I know I don't particularly enjoy going to see her, but then again does anybody really enjoy their therapy?

Tomorrow I go see my psychiatrist at 4:30. Probably starting on the Wellbutrin seeing as I'm still having sexual dysfunction.

Ricardo and I are going veggie again. Off to a rocky start, but it'll get easier once we get this house cleaned up and the kitchen in working order.

I still have the fucking cough. Hate.

I'm still overwhelmed by this fucking house. I like it a lot... but it's so god damned dirty all the time and now we have leaks in the ceiling and we still have to figure out why the wiring isn't working and fix the cabinets and go through all of our shit.

Things are going well with Ricardo and I, but I'm honestly ready for us to be in a tiny apartment by ourselves. Obviously not going to happen any time soon, we'll probably wait at least another year but I think we got more than we bargained for with this house. I love our roommates and I love the house but there's SO MUCH that comes along with it. And, fuck, I'm 22 years old. I'm too young for all this responsibility... let me get a shitty apartment and party all the time with all the money I'm saving. Or something. I feel too old for my age.

In terms of emotions, I feel like I'm finally starting to level out. I feel almost like a normal person a good chunk of the time. Obviously, I still have my days and I'm probably not as close as I think I am but it's nice to feel a change. Now the only thing I really have to worry about is this god damned sex thing. It's getting old. Really old. I want to have a fucking orgasm, please and thank you.

I was really looking forward to Burning Man this year. The theme is awesome (environmental science nerd, of course I love evolution) and I had such an amazing time last year in spite of (and maybe partially because of) all the crazy shit that happened... But now I don't know if I can go. I was going to put some of my tax return aside for it, but I really need to not only focus on paying off debt, but save my money. Ricardo should go visit his family this year and I probably should go see mine, but most likely I'm not going to make it out there this year unless they pitch in for it. I really really want Ricardo to be able to go see his mom, though, and also he really wants to take me up to Seattle this year since I've never been... Blah, I don't know. There's so much shit going on right now.

I'm still waiting for information from the Culinary Schools I signed up for info from. It makes me a little upset that all I've received was a pamphlet for a NY campus, but I guess I just have to persevere.
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Just a note for the records...

After my body became acclimated to the Prozac (somewhere between when I finally reached 10 mg and when I started on 20) I was doing okay in terms of the nausea... But since I've started 40 mg it's back with a vengeance.

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